#2- Love will find me. Period.

I've been single for nearly five years now. That's not something I like to admit or enjoy thinking about. My entire life I have been a romantic, have dreamed of the perfect relationship with the perfect boyfriend. I have experienced none of the above. I have barely experienced an okay relationship with a semi-psychotic boyfriend. I have never been on an official date.

I find that I go through these phases. I pick one guy and I put all my hopes of future happiness in his basket. Sometimes he knows, sometimes he doesn't, but I spend months or even years obsessing over one person until the feeling fades. I hit a lull and then I'm vulnerable, and the first person to show me affection becomes my new phase.

I am so sick of phases.

I've gone through four; a middle school obsession, a high school boyfriend, one crush and one fling. And the only time in my life that I was truly happy, that I had pure self-confidence and felt 100% myself was when a phase ended not of my choosing. My crush (who had little to no idea he was my crush) was dating someone. That was fact. It was too late to tell him how I felt and I had to move on. But with no one to replace him waiting in the wings I had no one to love... So, I loved myself.

I am only now realizing that that's what happened. Of course I felt amazing about who I was! I was directing all the attention and affection I had shown these guys during my phases at the mirror. I was my new phase. And I did it up big. I took care of myself, I bought myself gifts (all from Urban Outfitters obviously), I found a wonderful, purely physical fling, and I invested in myself. I was fabulous.

And then... I fell into my new phase. Unrequited and uncomfortable.

Now I'm back to feeling fabulous yet flawed, in a bad way. Undesirable, unworthy, uninteresting. I'm trapped. I know I'm being ridiculous, and when I look around and see all the love that I do have in my life I feel extremely lucky. I just can't help feeling like I'm never going to find the phase that sticks, the phase that turns into a state that turns into a commitment. Will I ever find something lasting? I can't know for sure if I will find love, but I do know this:

Love will find me. Period.

It's not my job to make it happen. It's not my responsibility to latch on to someone and squeeze all I can out of their heart. If I am meant to spend my life with someone they will appear. Like magic. I'm not saying I'm done going out and meeting people. Actually, I'm saying the opposite. What I usually do is attempt to make a relationship out of an existing friendship. That is trying to find love. Letting love find me means making myself more available. And I plan too.

Tomorrow I move into the city, and from here on out I am available. I am not attached to my phase, I am on my own, and I am going to start investing in me again. The time is now.

#1- I Am Not Fat

This morning I woke up with a hangover.

I don't usually drink heavily, but when the booze is basically free and I've put a long work week behind me I indulge, and last night I indulged. And I mixed

. I had a margarita, wine, another margarita, beer... At one point I think I was drinking all three at once. Yikes. And this morning I woke up with a hangover. Surprise surprise.

I got up, I took a shower, I did something with my hair involving a lot of pins in an attempt to tame it, and then... I got dressed.

I'm 5'8.5" and I wear a size 14 (or 32) jean. I'm not a twig. In fact, technically I am overweight. For my height I should weigh about 15 pounds less than I do, an

d that's been true for a while now. I would love to say tha

t I have always been comfortable with my body, that I have cherished my curves. But that isn't true. For as long as I can remember I have had

slight to major insecurities about my size. However, in the last couple years I began to really see my body as something to be desired, and appreciated the uniqueness of it. And that feeling lasted...

Until today.

This morning I pulled on a pair of size 14 jeans and I could bar

ely get them closed. Denim was cutting into my hips, flesh spilling over the side, and suddenly I was a 13 year-old girl staring at her rolls in the mirror. I thought back to all the booze I'd had at the party last night, and all the booze I had had at parties for

the last seven years of my life. I thought about the cheeseburgers and fries (my favorite foods) and the pizzas and the countless Jimmy Johns sandwiches. I freaked out. Immediately I made a plan:

1. Take my parents' dog for a long walk, and just walk and walk and walk until I was too tired to keep walking, and then, because I would have no choice, walk all the way back.
2. Go to Marshall's and buy 'fat clothes' that are baggy yet trendy. Layering is in, right?
3. Go to the grocery store and buy Slim Fast shakes. I used them as a substitute for food for a little while in college and even though they didn't really work I still felt like it was the answer.

Not necessarily in that order.

I got through the first two steps of my plan; the dog has had a nice long walk, and I now own a new 'fat clothes' fall wardrobe. But #3 was where it all went to shit.

I realized it's Sunday and the grocery store was going to be a mess. I hate standing in lines. So I went to Walgreen's. Fact: Walgreen's does not carry Slim Fast products. At least, not the one I went too.

But I am so happy they don't.

I left the store with a box of Special K Red Berries and a bottle of juice, and on my drive home I finally had a moment to breathe, and I thought... What the fuck am I doing?

I am not fat.

I gained a little weight this summer. So what? It's not the end

of the world, and it's not something I should be so ashamed or scared of. I can lose it again. I can watch what I eat, I can stay on my feet and I can figure it out. I don't need to drink chalky milkshakes and wear over sized sweaters all year. I just need to be aware that my current diet is not exactly healthy; a huge sandwich for every meal of the

day is not beneficial. I love beer, but excessive amounts will give me a headache and pudge.

Basically, I need to cut back and work out, but m

ostly I need to remember that no matter what I look like on the outside, I am still me. No one can change that. Especially not Jimmy John.

Another thing to remember... Jeans shrink in the wash.