#2- Love will find me. Period.

I've been single for nearly five years now. That's not something I like to admit or enjoy thinking about. My entire life I have been a romantic, have dreamed of the perfect relationship with the perfect boyfriend. I have experienced none of the above. I have barely experienced an okay relationship with a semi-psychotic boyfriend. I have never been on an official date.

I find that I go through these phases. I pick one guy and I put all my hopes of future happiness in his basket. Sometimes he knows, sometimes he doesn't, but I spend months or even years obsessing over one person until the feeling fades. I hit a lull and then I'm vulnerable, and the first person to show me affection becomes my new phase.

I am so sick of phases.

I've gone through four; a middle school obsession, a high school boyfriend, one crush and one fling. And the only time in my life that I was truly happy, that I had pure self-confidence and felt 100% myself was when a phase ended not of my choosing. My crush (who had little to no idea he was my crush) was dating someone. That was fact. It was too late to tell him how I felt and I had to move on. But with no one to replace him waiting in the wings I had no one to love... So, I loved myself.

I am only now realizing that that's what happened. Of course I felt amazing about who I was! I was directing all the attention and affection I had shown these guys during my phases at the mirror. I was my new phase. And I did it up big. I took care of myself, I bought myself gifts (all from Urban Outfitters obviously), I found a wonderful, purely physical fling, and I invested in myself. I was fabulous.

And then... I fell into my new phase. Unrequited and uncomfortable.

Now I'm back to feeling fabulous yet flawed, in a bad way. Undesirable, unworthy, uninteresting. I'm trapped. I know I'm being ridiculous, and when I look around and see all the love that I do have in my life I feel extremely lucky. I just can't help feeling like I'm never going to find the phase that sticks, the phase that turns into a state that turns into a commitment. Will I ever find something lasting? I can't know for sure if I will find love, but I do know this:

Love will find me. Period.

It's not my job to make it happen. It's not my responsibility to latch on to someone and squeeze all I can out of their heart. If I am meant to spend my life with someone they will appear. Like magic. I'm not saying I'm done going out and meeting people. Actually, I'm saying the opposite. What I usually do is attempt to make a relationship out of an existing friendship. That is trying to find love. Letting love find me means making myself more available. And I plan too.

Tomorrow I move into the city, and from here on out I am available. I am not attached to my phase, I am on my own, and I am going to start investing in me again. The time is now.